The tragic death of Sarah Everard has left us all reeling, again.
We’re confronted with our frailty, mortality, fears and questions about what makes us safe. There’s another question today for me which deserves an answer – what can I do? The world is so big, my sphere of influence so small. My grief over another life taken occupies my thoughts and my heart hurts.
For now, there are just three things which I’ll share here:
- Bring your open, empathic self and be there
When your friend, colleague, family member or a child in your care speaks out about their pain because they too have experienced misogyny or assault, create the warmest and most empathic space you can, and listen.
Carl Rogers in ‘Client Centered Therapy’ (1951) talked about Three Core Conditions:
- Unconditional positive regard
- Congruence; and
- Empathy.
The benchmark for empathy is that we not only provide it, but that it’s experienced by the those we’re with. Rogers asserts that once we provide these core conditions, therapeutic progress can take place. I always like to think of this as a promise.
Brene Brown has a lovely piece on empathy here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Evwgu369Jw
Watch it, share it and learn. Don’t cross the street to get away when you see someone whom you know has recently had tragedy in their lives, cross the street to be with them. Tell them you heard, ask how they are, listen and show you care. If it feels appropriate, encourage them to seek help when they are ready. The past can’t be changed, of course, but good therapeutic support towards recovery can help to build a future – and it’s never too late.
2. Power in the small things – including a review of our policies
My previous Civil Service boss told me recently he once wrote 3 sides of A4 justifying payment of my £20+ parking fee.
I’d travelled from Manchester to London, leaving home at 5.30am and returnng at 10.30pm. Not wanting to walk under the arches in the dark in central Manchester to a rough car park on waste ground with poor lighting, I’d parked in the secure station car park to take care of my safety. The payment was challenged (later allowed) as I hadn’t used the cheapest car park. I was glad for my my boss’s support.
Our policies to save money can inadvertently put staff at risk. Check your security, lighting, parking arrangements, travel arrangements, building lock up and unlocking processes – there may be changes you can implement which will reduce staff anxiety and help with their safety.
3. Honour life, remember and grieve
This weekend I will light a candle and keep it in my window.
Why – because I care, I’m grieving, a life has been cut short and we should remember. I will remember every woman whose life has been lost this year in the list Jess Philips read out this week.
If it helps you, light a candle too, and together we’ll remember.